And I Knew

Scared.
Nervous.
Anxious.
Excited.
Humbled.
Overwhelmed.
Insufficient.

All of those and more are how I have felt the past two months since I was asked to speak at my first women's conference.

Dear brothers and sisters,not many of you should become teachers in the church, for we who teach will be judged by God with greater strictness. ~ James 3:1

Just the remembrance of that verse often keeps my heart in check when I begin to think about all the things I "could" do ... teaching the Word isn't like teaching math or sewing ... it's eternal and it's a high calling. Having the opportunity to share some of what God has shown me through His Word, through my experiences, and through others is a rich blessing ... but also a serious responsibility.

So, I prepared with great prayer and focus on hearing what God would have me share. I spoke with the pastor's wife about the women who would attend. I re-read notes and materials I had used in mentoring and teaching.

And then I got sick. Really sick. Three weeks of doing nothing sick. High fever, erratic blood pressure and heart rate, lethargy. No clear answer from doctors. (Still waiting on results from all those tests ... sorta going with "no news is good news.")

But Friday night, November 13, 2009, at about 7:45, I stood in front of about 30 women ... and began to share how much God loves them and desires a personal, intimate, deep relationship with them. And I knew ...

In that moment, more than any other moment in my life, I knew I was doing what God had created me to do. I had a peace and certainty I cannot explain except by His presence. And I was free. More free than I have ever been. It was all Him ... all His doing ... I had merely said "Yes" and done what I meagerly could to prepare myself ... but God, He prepared hearts, including mine ... He paved the way.

I'll share more about what I taught and the responses from women who were there. But above all that and before all that, I say this ...

Only God can take a truly messed up girl like me ... one with a little bit of natural speaking ability (given by Him) and give her a passion for His Word and a heart to share. Only God can take a selfish soul like mine ... and pour Himself into me so that I may be "poured out like a drink offering" for Him. Only God can take a room full of women on Friday the 13th ... and open eyes to truth and grace and mercy.

So, "to Him who is able to do exceedingly more than we can ask or imagine" be all glory and all praise. And to Him, I am so thankful ... for giving me the assurance of His plan for me, for covering me with His presence, and for using me though I am so broken a vessel.

To Him ... above all, before all, and through all.